I packed the car with all the things we’d need at the hospital, cleaned the house, and went to pick up Paul.  I told him I think today is the day, we are going to meet our little Sydney.  We got to the doctor’s and went in for the ultrasound, the ultrasound tech faked a coughing fit and left the room.  I looked at Paul and said, do you think everything is okay?  He said yes, but he was really thinking no.  He told me later that he knew she was looking for the heartbeat and couldn’t find it.  She brought a doctor back in with her, Dr. Bohjwani is the one who told us that they couldn’t find the heartbeat.  We couldn’t believe it, we didn’t want to believe it.   We hoped they could give me an emergency c-section and revive her, but they said this isn’t possible.  I felt like it wasn’t really happening, I cried, but I still didn’t believe it.  I thought, they just missed it, Sydney will show them, she’ll come out and be just fine.  They are wrong!

But they weren’t wrong. 

   Paul and I walked out to the car to drive around the building to check into the hospital.  We got out there and both called our mothers.  That was probably the hardest phone call I have ever had to make.  I keep thinking about it.  I called the bakery and told my mom to go outside, I think she could tell that I was crying and kept asking what’s wrong, is everything okay.  I waited until she was outside, then told her they couldn’t find Sydney’s heartbeat and that I was going to be induced.  She was heartbroken and said they would leave right away to come up to Charlotte.  Paul did all the talking after that phone call and then Emily is the one who told all my friends.  I couldn't get the words out, I didn't want to say them again.

   Our doctor’s office had called over to the maternity ward telling them that we were coming, so we didn’t have to do anything when we got there, just said that our Dr. had called, and we were ushered right into a delivery room.  Our first nurse that I remember was a girl named Robbie.  She told me that she had a stillborn several years ago and on his birthday she and her two other children let go of balloons in his memory.  She was very kind.  I was able to ask her questions and know that she understood.

Paul and I sat there and cried most of that day, we put in the movie Ice Age to distract us, which helped a little.  Paul’s mum and Elizabeth called to say they were driving through the night to come down to Charlotte to be with us.  Emily and Mason had gotten a flight for early the next morning to fly up.  And my parents and Opa were driving in from Hilton Head.  My mom and Opa got there first and we sat and cried for a while.  Then my dad arrived.  It is one of the very few times I can remember my father crying.  Seeing my parents cry tore at my heart.  They wanted to be grandparents just as much as Paul and I wanted to be parents, I could see that on that day. 

The Delivery
   The hospital brought Paul and I dinner, it was pretty gross, but neither of us had much of an appetite anyway.  They put in the IV but didn’t start giving me anything until the next day. They put the cervical tape in around 6:00 that night, which aided in softening my cervix. When I got in there I was only somewhat effaced and 1 centimeter dilated-which I had been for a few weeks already. Late that night they gave me a sleeping pill, Ambien. It helped me sleep a little, but I had the shivers for a while, and I wasn’t sure if they were from the pill or just emotional. I got up a few times that night to go to the bathroom, and found it hard to get back to sleep after that. Paul slept on a cot next to my bed.  
   At 6:00 AM Thursday April 13th, they took out the cervical tape and hooked me up to Pitocin and a contractions monitor that went around my belly. It was a while before the contractions started up. My mother came to the hospital in the morning and stayed with us. My father went to the airport to pick up Emily and Mason and then brought them to the hospital. Paul’s mum and Elizabeth arrived early that afternoon as well. Then we had all 9 of us in our labor and delivery room. It was nice to have all of that love and support. There were many tears shed that day. Each time a new person came in, the tears started all over again. Plus there were many random times when Paul and I would just start crying. No one knew what to do or to say. We were all lost. We had all lost someone special.  Sydney had touched a lot of hearts in utero and it was evident.
   The contractions started getting stronger and I was able to get my epidural around 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I was only 3 centimeters dilated, but the doctor’s said I could get the epidural at any point.  I had shivers and hot and cold flashes all day. It could have been from the epidural, an emotional side effect or a fever.  It was a very long day.  We were all waiting for what should have been a joyous occasion, but we knew it wasn’t going to be, so I guess we were just waiting for it to be over. I wasn’t allowed to eat all day except popsicles, jello, chicken broth, juice, water, Ginger Ale, etc. I was starving!
   Dr. Finlon broke my water that afternoon and it wasn't until 7:00 that night that I was fully dilated and ready to start pushing.  I had a fever throughout the entire delivery and was freezing.  I pushed for 2 1/2 hours and Sydney was born at 9:24 PM.  Paul told me when to close my eyes so I wouldn't see her, but he didn't take his own advice, and collapsed down on me crying when he saw her.  Paul cried and told me how proud he was of me. He saw Sydney come out and I think it just crushed him. Things were supposed to be so different. It was supposed to be a happy moment. He was supposed to cut the cord and be able to hold his daughter, but that’s not how things ended up happening. Yet, I wasn’t done yet. I still had to deliver the placenta, which wasn’t ready to come out, according to Dr. Finlon.  It took an hour to deliver the placenta and to stitch me up.


Meeting and Saying Good Bye
   Finally, close to midnight we were able to meet our little girl. Stephanie brought her into us and put her in my arms. Paul was sitting on the bed next to me, his arm around me supporting Sydney’s head. She was beautiful. She was wrapped up in a blanket with the typical little striped hat on. Her eyes were squeezed shut, as if she was blocking all the light out trying to sleep. She had a little button nose, Paul’s nose, I can see her nose sometimes when I look at Paul and I start to cry. Big pudgy cheeks, like I had when I was a baby. Part of her skin was peeling, so she had big red blotches on her cheeks near her neck. Her mouth was open and it looked like she had lipstick on. Her chin was defined. She had really dark hair and quite a lot of it. Paul was pleased to see that Sydney didn’t have big ears. She was such a big strong girl, weighing in at 8 lbs 8 oz, 21 inches. She had long fingers too, Paul says they look like mine. We held her and cried for a while. I wish we would have done more, I wish we would have undone her blanket and put her in the take-home outfit that we had brought for her, but we didn’t think about that at the time. I also wish we had taken pictures with our own camera, but again, the thought of pictures seemed weird. I’m glad the hospital took some, even though they are only black and white. The hospital also gave us a memory box with clothes, her footprints and hand prints, a lock of her hair and the pictures. We will cherish those always. We only have a few memories of our daughter, but she’s forever our daughter and we love her dearly.


Sydney Elizabeth Newnham, born and died April 13th, 2006 at 9:24 PM.